for some reason, coming home tonight to a turned on porch light made me smile.
it’s nice to know that someone thinks about me coming home, even if it’s only my grandma.
it nice to know someone likes sleeping in my bed, even if it’s only my dog.
there are worse things in the world.

at the end of the day, i’m much happier alone than with a group of fair weather friends.
i’m starting to worry because i enjoy music, movies, and books more than most people i know.
i find them to be far more rewarding and worth my time.

i am the healthiest i have ever been, both mentally and physically.

buutttt…
i am broke. and it sucks. i think possibly i am so healthy because
1.)i am too poor to go out
2.)this means i never see people.

i’ve realized how much i love poisonous people.
i do not make the best choices in close friends, or the people i date.
i just want to save everyone.
the more lost a cause is, the more i love it.
it’s time to close the door on that portion of my life.

i’m struggling these days to count the people i would label a friend.
i definitely do not need more than one hand.
oddly enough, i can’t bring myself to care.

ha.

coincidence: (n) the appearance of a meaningful connection when there is none

you always told me there was no such thing as coincidence. supposedly it all means something.
i chuckled a bit when i went to check out a book by one of your favorite authors. it’s already checked out.
it’s due back on your birthday.

i still disagree, by the way.
a coincidence is nothing more than the above definition states.

note to self: a man in a suit is ridiculously attractive.
must attend more weddings, and hang out in...suit stores?

i just colored my hair back to my natural color.
iz nice.

i also got dressed and put on makeup with the intention of going out.
then i remembered i am in columbus, indiana.
oops.

looks like a glass of wine and zombie movies for me.
again.
(but i am not complaining.)

look here red hair,
i love you on other people but i despise you on myself.
so as i type this, some brown hair dye is removing you from my life.
and if you know what is good for you, you will stay away.
kthnxbye.

i'm just a cheerful little lady these days.
iz nice.

things that make me happy (an ongoing list)

-redheads/gingers
-hot baths
-bukowski
-tall people
-produce sprinklers
-my moon shoes
-sneezing
-a slinky on the stairs
-subtitles
-tattoos
-zombie movies
-the sound of traffic when you sit under an overpass
-freckles
-babies
-cartoons
-video games
-eye lashes
-swimming
-flannel
-toothbrushes
-innocence
-toffee
-dandelions
-kites
-indiana summers
-silence
-sandwiches
-polaroids
-nostalgia
-old books
-chocolate chip cookies
-hugs
-late nights
-new socks
-old “new” things
-discovery
-spontaneous dancing
-awkward people
-always looking for the best in people
-my dog
-the beach
-traveling
-self respect

andy samberg is quite possibly the love of my life.
and i may just have to marry him.

"in the many places you're not, i am."

objects of my affection

I remember when, when I first moved here
a long time ago,
cause I heard some song I used to hear back then
a long time ago.

I remember when even further back in another town
cause I saw something written I used to say back then
how to comprehend.

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

But of course somedays I just lie around
and hardly exist
and can't tell apart what I'm eating
from my hand or my wrist.

Cause flesh is flesh, flesh is flesh is flesh
the difference is thin
but life has a certain ability of breathing new life into me
so I breathe it in
it tells me here you are and here all you are here
and still can make sense
if you just show up and present an honest face
instead of that grin.

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

The other day this new friend of mine
said something to me,
'Just because something starts differently
Doesn't mean it's worth less.'
And I soaked it in, how I soaked it in
How I soaked it in
And just asked to prove how right he was
Then you came.

So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try
So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

if i do not find a job soon, i am going to lose my mind.

i'm glad things have worked out the way they have.
i'm content with the things i've lost,
and i am wildly optimistic.
this is my year for revelations and changes.

i use my bountiful alone time to think.
i realized the longer a person knows me, the further away they get from understanding me.
i feel perhaps those who have known me for years, know less about me now than when they first me.
they start placing me in little compartments and using specific words to describe me.
i am not one layer, and i am not something you can categorize.
i feel like a lot of people stop trying to learn things about me after a specific amount of time because they feel as if they already know all there is to learn.
they are often the first to judge, assume, and sentence me.
and i find myself explaining me to people who should know better than anyone.


things that used to bother me, or maybe should, don't.
there's just not a whole lot i care about anymore.
i'm satisfied with small things.

news.

i’ve felt surprisingly positive today.
moving home is not something i want to do,
but i feel in the end it will definitely be the best thing for me.
i’m looking forward to taking this time to make myself a better person.

weird fact:
my new sister rachel was born today.
this means eiley has an aunt, who is a little over a month YOUNGER than her.
ha.
i’m excited to meet her when i come home
and to spend time with eiley.
i now have two littles babies to watch grow up.
=]


my sister rachel.
born january 16, 2009



and my niece eiley.
born december 5, 2008




so many babies for me to snuggle and love!

one year ago tomorrow i made the biggest mistake of my life.
the only thing i have ever regretted.
i paid dearly for it, and the results haunt me to this day.


this is all starting to hurt and feel far too real.
please fade.
i cant stand the sound of my heart breaking
over
and
over
anymore.

do i ever cross your mind from time to time?
i always said
if you walk away, i’ll walk away
but you walked away a long long time ago

and i’m still here.

last night i had a dream.
we hung out and you told me you missed me.
you told me things weren't the same anymore.
you wanted to be friends, and most of all
you agreed with me in wishing we had never dated.
the rest of the dream consisted just of us hanging out and riding bikes.

now i am awake and that dream felt so real.
reality is sinking in, and after seeming so close
today you feel even further away.

i think for a few days i lost my mind again. what was i thinking??!!!!????!!!! (i wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem)
i’m too stressed out as of late, and i feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom. a strangling, sinking sense of losing my grip on everything.
despite this, i am still mildly optimistic and have complete faith in myself as a person.

safe to say, this is me….letting go of you.
you will learn these lessons in your own due time, and i’m done trying to enlighten you.

hello new year. i have hope for you. you will be awesome.
i am going to make you my bitch, 2009.
there, i said it.

tomorrow, i am going to get a job.
this is the first of many good decisions.