it's all dirty fingernails and two sleeping pills every night.
weird dreams and groggy mornings.

i like this most of all,
because i'm writing for no one.
i'm writing for me and me and me and sometimes you, only not really.

thunder and golden days will come again.
something in the fabric of my soul tells me this.
it says
"hold on darling, just a little while, just a little while longer."

i want to sing.

someday my prince will come...

i'm leaving soon.
i can feel it in my bones.
i cannot muster any sadness
only stare forward.
sometimes things happen to me in life and i think
"what did i do to deserve this?"
i realized a long time ago that you have no control over the actions of others.

i guess i am just growing weary of running around,
of holding onto something i cannot call my own.

i know i will do more than my share of crying for the both of us.
i highly doubt you will feel any remorse.
you have all your fair weather friends to get you through.

no point in anticipation or mourning that which hasn't come to fruition yet.
i will have plenty of lonely nights to hug myself and cry with the shadows.


i must compliment you though,
everyday you get better and better at insulting me.
you sharpen the knife right, and know just where to stick it.


i hold out in hopes one day a loving man will come along, who wants to build me up, not tear me down. and above all else, i hope that i know what to do with him.
i don't think you are that man.

last night i fell asleep crying and woke up dreaming.
the beginning of the film brought back memories.
happy memories that made me mourn the state of it all.

i distinctly remember seeing fireworks on the inside of my eyelids as we kissed.
in the background bowie wondered aloud about the possibility of beings on the red planet.
at the time it all seemed so climactic and perfect.
you still genuinely cared.
the night was full of embraces, whispers...
i couldn't recall ever feeling so loved and safe.


i am sure you haven't thought of those sorts of things since they happened.
i am a time filler for you.
entertainment while treading water.
and i am pathetic.
still loving you.
craving an embrace or a genuine kiss.
standing by your side
braving insults and rejection,
all in hopes you will come to your senses before i do.
i still see a diamond in this pile of dust and bones.

i'll hold on until i can't anymore.
i wish i could tell you i love you.
i wish we could talk.
it may always be a story of me loving you and you loving her.
we always love those who hurt us the most, i guess.

and i thought i was bad news and would end up hurting you.
funny the way things turn out.

i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.

sometimes i get an overwhelming feeling to move.
i go on walks.
something primal tells me if my legs stop moving, my brain and heart will cease to function.
i will simply quit breathing and evaporate.

lately i have a horrible fear of fading away into anonymity.
100 years from now, no one will know my name.

i walk in puddles, to look back and see footsteps.
just to know for at least one minute, i left my mark somewhere, on something.

after all that has happened, i am just a girl, a child.
afraid of shadows, uncomfortable in the light.
i feel like an alien.
i hear people laughing and talking, everywhere.
i feel disconnected from it all, from the world.


i walk past families, houses lit up, lawns littered with toys, people talking in garages
and i feel ten thousand miles away.
i look up at the night sky,
and i swear i see movement
a hint of the cosmos collapsing.

small figures in a vast expanse.


this all sounds so much better inside my head.

decisions, decisions

as of right now,
i am still completely undecided
as to why i made this blog,
or even what i have to discuss.
it will come to me eventually, i'm sure.