Monday, December 29, 2008

I tell you how I feel, but you don’t care.
I say “tell me the truth,” but you don’t dare.
You say love is a hell you cannot bear.
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care.

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got your head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

I have never been insulted in all my life.
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride.
First you run like a fool just to be at my side.
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can’t abide.

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got this head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

Don’t make it a big deal, don’t be so sensitive.
We’re not playing a game anymore, you don’t have to be so defensive.
Don’t you plead me your case, don’t bother to explain.
Dont even show me your face, cause it’s a crying shame.
Just go back to the rock from under which you came.
Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim -
And don’t forget the blame.
I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got this head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

i don't know who i am.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. i feel like i'm falling endlessly, scrabbling for a foothold. nothing feels right anymore.

somedays i just feel so tired.

i just want to lay down for a minute.
i want someone to wrap their arms around me, and feel okay knowing they expect nothing in return.

i don't know whats going on anymore.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

in the past few weeks,
i've realized i still love you.
all that anger and bitterness dissolved,
and now all i've got left are these feelings.

i'm sorry i did it all wrong,
i'm sorry i wasn't stronger.
i'm watching fake polaroids develop on a computer screen
just so i can remember.

Monday, December 22, 2008

i feel like for the first time in a while,
i am moving in lots of directions.
i just wish everyone would quit trying to yank me back to wherever they are.

let me go, let me be free.
i need none of the things i thought
and everything i never knew i did.
i've got ghosts to deal with,
and shadows to chase out of my head.
you all go your way,
i'll go mine.
god willing, i'll see you on the other side.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

don't wait until you are caught in a lie to tell the truth.
don't wait until everything is crumbling to start rebuilding.
if you truly valued anyone,
you would never have done what you did.
that fact of the matter is,
in the short time i've known you,
it's become apparent the only person you value
is you.

no matter what your history with anyone is,
your actions are inexcusable.
they demonstrate a complete lack of respect for other human beings,
and a sort of cruelty and selfishness i didn't know was possible.

i've known a lot of assholes,
but baby,
you take the cake.

on a happier note,
this past weekend has been one of revolutions and kindred spirits.
my eyes are wide open, and i'm excited for the future.
starting NOW,
i'm not listening to anyone but myself.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

such dead slumber will get you nowhere in the end.

what the hell am i doing with myself,
and did i just fuck up possibility of growth in my life once again?
i need to wake up.
liquor soaked nights.
i'm drowning.

and when i close my eyes that final time,
all i want is to know that i had moments of truth and love.
i don't need to possess something for it to bring me joy.
the greatest things in life cannot be held or even claimed.
it's the intangibles that make the greatest impact.

be real, be kind, and most of

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


i couldn't go back to sleep because i knew that this was the last time i could allow myself to act as if i cared.
i excel in pretending not to care, as you will come to find out.
and perhaps, wonder if i really cared at all.

filled it to the brim with hot water.
i scrubbed the smell of you from my skin,
and untangled the knots you left in my hair.
knowing i'm better than this doesn't help,
and you thinking i'm beautiful gets me nowhere.

i said quit being dumb,
knowing good and well
that entailed quitting me.
i hope everything works out for you,
and you figure life out more easily than i did.

bought two new books today, and a notebook to keep in my purse.

whoever said laughter was the best medicine,
never read bukowski.

Monday, December 15, 2008

i am right.
& you are wrong.
my head has become increasingly foggy.
i drink whiskey to chase away cold, lonely nights.
i'm starting to realize the world is nothing but a very large room full of lonely people.
we're all too busy feeling sorry for ourselves to realize there are people all around us.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

i just realized i miss you.

When you crawl into bed
You pull the covers a bit too tight
Get drunk and lay your head on my pillow
Mute and white
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
It's always those black black circles around your eyes
Darker still
Such dead slumber will get you nowhere in the end
So do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you wish someone was there to rock you to sleep?
And hold you near?
Well, that won't be me.
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

there's no stopping this

it may be a good time for a spot of hibernation.
i'm thoroughly suspicious of basically every person in my life.
i've come to the conclusion everyone is out to serve their own best interests
and too much trust in anyone is a mistake i cannot afford to make.
everything i hear sounds like the sharpening of knives.
i wish i could say my distrust is without reason,
but sadly, we've been here too many times before.

i need a foothold, a rope, anything.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

raise a glass to transition

at this moment,
i feel beautiful, strong, smooth, and fiercely independent.
wine, you are a saint.
clarity, you are a goddess.
i feel a breeze, and the slightest hint of movement in my life.

i had forgotten how good it felt to fall asleep tangled in another person.
i had also forgotten how good it felt to sit in my underwear drinking wine alone at midnight.

Monday, December 8, 2008


those roads that stretch ahead of us,
the roads that led us here;
singing traditional renditions of the songs we sang last year.
and though these times have made us stronger,
the outcome's no more clear.

calling old friends to make sure they're real,
talking, talking just to feel that sense of home you lost when you left last year.
distance is just numbers on a dashboard,
hours thinking about nothing but the transmission stutter you fear.

i remember what you whispered in my ear,
and all the things we tried so hard to never have to hear, like
"kids tighten up, start saving for the golden years."
well, hey, that picture it fades day by day and the outcome's not so clear.

don't think I'll see you around this winter,
and my tongue's stuck full of splinters;
'cause I'm embarrassed to admit what I've been thinking.
well, hope keeps some afloat, but for me it's no life boat.
the tighter I hold on the deeper down I'm sinking.

tried to put my finger on it but gave it my whole arm.
reached out with good intention, but it only did more harm.
find ourselves alone since the day we're born,
so we seek someone to sew sutures in the places where we're torn.
["calling old friends"-defiance, ohio]

i'm usually not too big on just posting lyrics as a replacement for my thoughts, but in this case every word of this song resonates with me.

it's the time of year when i lose my mind and run away.
there's a wolf on the couch next to me
and you make think that's some witty metaphor,
but i'm simply talking about a fur stole.
for the record i hate that you randomly enter my thoughts
especially since we havent spoken since the beginning of the ending.
i'm well over it but feel you shouldn't be allowed to pollute my life,
even from a distance.

i hate my madness, yet find it incredibly intoxicating all at once.
i dislike facing my demons.
i love everything that is broken.
if you have something that is still whole,
i will gladly break it for you
so that i may better love it.
if you are full of broken things
i have
needle and thread
elmer's glue.
i promise i will make an utter mess of it all
just so you will feel a little warmer at night.
perhaps you will believe that anyone ever cared.

fuck my stupid birth chart horoscope,
December 8, 2008--What your heart has been hinting at and your desires have been leaning towards takes one step closer to reality today, with the arrival of Venus, planet of love, into your romantic sector. This is the start of a process that will eventually see romantic dreams and fantasies that have been building, in some cases for up to a decade, evolve into reality. You have begun a journey of the heart that will soon see half the solar system united in the cause."

sounds pretty gay to me.

i need to chill out on the whiskey and writing for a few days.
i'm not making any sense, and i sound completely insane.
i think it's the hormones.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

stay warm, stay safe, stay dry.

i had a pretty great night.
sometimes i feel like i don't laugh enough.
and i definitely did plenty of that last night.
i need a night in
to lay in bed
watch movies
and laugh,
in a bed that isn't empty.
too many things are empty.

i'm not looking for a major revolution, or even a radical war.
all i want is a little love in strange places, endless nights, and open arms.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

life for me is all confusion and curly hair lately.
i'm either on the verge of a breakthrough
or losing my mind.

i'm scared to say...
i'm starting to lose faith in everyone.

which way is up?
i don't remember.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

i switch the rules

the concept of life captivates me.
today i will go meet a brand new human being that has been living inside my sister for over half a year.
in one moment she will go from being an idea to a reality,
and it fucking blows my mind.
she will eat, sleep, cry, laugh, love, learn, and grow older.
i cannot wait.
we all start out this way,
yet the end result is never the same.

looking in the mirror pains me lately.
i don't recognize the person staring back.
my teeth cut my lips, bruise my tongue, and
the general state of it all is black and blue.

i have no idea what i am talking about

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

pocahontas is a bitch.

forever on the tip of my tongue.
somedays even the most crowded room feels like a ghost town.
i wish i was a real wizard.
then maybe i could better navigate this giant fucking paper bag that is my life.

i have no idea where i am going.
over and over i am told
the journey is more important than the destination.
quite frankly, i'm not buying it.

something crucial is missing, and i can't remember what it is.
i feel that outside of family, especially my sister,
no one in my life comes close to knowing or understanding me.
nothings more frustrating that someone using "i know how you feel" as a conversation filler.
it's rather irritating.
i want someone to be for me, what i am for other people.

substances slaughter things in my brain and the next morning i find myself struggling to remember anything at all.

i want to create but there's nothing left in me.
sorry, i gave it all away.

i just spent ten minutes listening to static and feedback in my headphones.
i think i'm going crazy again.

Monday, December 1, 2008

i tried to handstands for you.

i feel a little better after this weekend.
being around people and just having fun was exactly what i needed.
maybe this place isn't as dead as i though.
maybe there's still more for me to do here.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

pray to god i see headlights

i downloaded a zip file of against me! b-sides and live recordings.
i've just been listening to wagon wheel on repeat.

lately i can't bring myself to pretend to want to hang out with people.
i would rather sit at home bored out of my mind
than go sit with a group of people and pretend to give a shit about what they are saying.
what's wrong with me?
i'm not saying i don't want to hang out with anyone,
only that i'm filled with a bizarre sense of self honesty.
i can't trick myself into doing things anymore,
no matter how i lie and try to convince myself i want to surround myself with mundane conversation and drinking.

anytime i try to express an idea lately, it comes off far too cynical, whiny, and angry.
so to clear the air, i'm just fucking bored.

my mind rejects the frequency

my hands and feet are always cold.
i've been losing weight and drinking way too much coca cola.
i have freckles and cheek bones again....weird.
i need a backrub and someone to scratch the itch between my shoulder blades.
everyday i wake up and pull the covers back over my head.
i'm burnt out by these boring routines and overplayed conversations.
i get angry when i think about kissing you, because i can't
and most of all because i hate to admit that i care for anyone.
deep down somewhere i feel that perhaps it is a kind of weakness.
all i know is...
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
it's fucking cold and the bath water never feels hot enough.

i did a web search and am comforted by the fact i am not the only person with an overwhelming fear of zombies.
it may sound like i am just joking, but i'm truly serious.
i know it's irrational, but my imagination runs wild.

i can't wait to go home and eat turkey with my family.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

and now my sockets sit like empty catchers' mitts waiting

my skin is itching
if i could slip it off
only for a while
i think i would feel better.
and at the end of the day,
i just want some things of my own.
open arms and a place to lay my head.
i want something familiar that doesn't grow old.
refresh refresh refresh.
broken fingernails, bruises, an empty bed and ghost vibrations.
after so many fucking failures,
i just want to see the sun rise.

Monday, November 24, 2008

i am sleepy.
we went to a mexican restaurant at 4 pm.
i had 2 big margaritas and got drunk.

i feel silly and awkward right now.
i don't know what i want
i don't know what i want.
i feel all out of sorts.

i need an anchor sometimes

Friday, November 21, 2008

under a honey moon

this cold windy city somehow makes me feel warmer than anywhere else.
it would be easy to say that is because of a singular person or experience,
however i think it is a large compilation of things.
it's strange but i feel as if my heart beat has synchronized with my current surroundings.

i don't want to come home.
i'm going to though.

"we started laughing until it didn't hurt"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i feel as if everywhere i go i find even bigger and better things.
it creates in me a temptation to never stop the movement.
perhaps that is really what i need to do.
just keep going and going until something magically fits.
and wherever i am when that happens,
is exactly where i am supposed to be.

i find answers in cacophony.
train rides and city noises.
i keep getting lost and frustrated.
my legs hurt from all the walking, and i can't feel my toes a lot of times.
but the beauty is,
eventually i get to where i was going
(even if i go in the opposite direction for a while)
and the feeling in my limbs keeps returning.
as long as that keeps happening, i'm content.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

so i moved back to indianapolis.
it's been up and down and up and down
but mostly up in all honesty.

i was hungover until about 10 minutes ago.
all courtesy of this amazing drink i found that is even better than
vitamin water revive
(which i hold near and dear.)
i don't know or really care how this drink does what it does,
and if it causes cancer in 20 years for me, oh well.
it's the bottle at left and its pretty damn amazing.
and it sort of tastes like gummy worms, so that doesn't hurt.

i'm so sleepy. i really wish i could just crawl into someone's bed and go to sleep. but i'm probably not going to be able to sleep anymore today.

i'm hungry.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the city called me home.
so i didn't hesitate and haven't looked back.
i'm gone.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

let's get out of this country

i want to be free range forever. i spent 5 years living for other people, and caring for everyone i came in contact with. i loved people who never asked for or deserved my love. i threw self respect out the window with my carefree, confident soul. and the more time goes by, i realize i'm not so sure i ever want to be in a position where i will be tempted to do that again. i love who i am right now. i love what a good friend i am, and that my life is about me.

i don't think i can stay here much longer,
and i am already tempted to just drop all my responsibilities to pack up and go.
this place isn't home anymore, and hasn't been for some time.

a late night drive, and i swear the skyline whispered "welcome home."

Sunday, November 2, 2008


i'm a mountain of contradictions, and i love it.
none of these are severe, or apply to my beliefs.
it's just always a swirl of contradictory emotions.
i have the ability to play devils advocate to myself.
to survey my options and act accordingly.
i am getting better at this as i grow older.

not to sound cliche,
but the way i feel lately can only be described as infinite.
i feel like i have so many options and opportunities in the world.
i just want to do everything all at once.

i just want to be free.

arizona roadtrip in february
i'm excited.
the desert has been calling my name for almost a year now.

2009 will be the year of travel for me.
also according to my birth chart it will be my luckiest year for romance in a decade.
10 years ago i was 11, so my love life was prettttty hectic.

the point of all this is this:
i am awesome, and i am excited for the future.

Friday, October 31, 2008

i feared the best and loved the worst.

lately all i see are spaceships and shooting stars.
i feel positively mystical and free.

i never felt so wicked
as when i willed our love to die
and i was your silver lining
as the story goes.
i was your silver lining
but now i’m gold.

good luck wanderer.
i wish you nothing but love, joy, smooth roads, and a warm bed each night.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

i finally feel some momentum in my life.
i spent the past year licking my wounds, essentially doing nothing.

reading things i wrote little over a month ago is very strange.
the girl writing that self depreciating garbage is miles away.
but it really was nice at the time to have an outlet to say things no one wanted to hear.
so now that i have decided i don't need secrets anymore,
if you go back and read things i wrote not all that long ago...
understand that i lost my mind for some time.
now i have found it, or at least most of it.

i let something stupid get me down for far too long.
i let another person affect my feeling of self worth,
and i blame no one but ME for that.
i ultimately decide how to feel.
it's done and over with,
filed under a folder labeled "the past."

i am on the road again,
and happy as hell to be here.
i don't need anyone to hold my hand.
i am strong, beautiful, and capable of anything.
if you disagree,
then with all due respect,
fuck off.

Monday, October 20, 2008

it's such a strange balance lately.
everyone fits in one of two groups.
i only contain love or hate
no in between.
all the grey areas, either bleached or stained.

i ramble on and on in my headtalking to no one but me.
these days life is full of plastic cups, long car drives, and cluttered horizons.
every song i hear reminds me of someone i know.
life just feels like a movie,and i'm not complaining.
everything is far from perfect and deliciously off kilter.

i miss the city
i'm coming back there soon
this time to make it my home.

Friday, October 10, 2008

i did it.
i left.
finally i am free.

i am going places and doing things.
have fun sitting right where you always were.
in the middle.
i'm ready to live.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

i was never, no, never, no,
never enough but
i can try, i can try
to toughen up.

i'm not so sure about things anymore...
sometimes i wonder if there is another person out there
that i could love just as much as you, if not more.
a person who would love me back,
even when it's inconvenient.
someone who would actually stick with it.
sometimes i wonder if this will ever be worth what i put myself through.
i'm slowly but surely losing heart.
if i'm wrong, forgive me for being weak.
but a girl can't cling to beautiful faded memories forever.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

all i do all day long is complain inside my head.
it's getting to be problem.
i need to find something to laugh about,
instead of waiting for other people to make me laugh.

the day is coming.
i've already written the note in my head.
"i love you too much to keep doing this."
short and simple.
it's so hard to do something different when you've done one thing for so long.
but i guess the best way to love someone,
is to set them free.

i'll figure it all out.
there have been bigger bumps in the road.
it's just easy to lay there and cry for a while.
i'll get back in the saddle eventually.
just let me lay here in the dirt a while.

you were right though.
i'm not as dumb as i look.
don't forget it either.
i think you have.
today i woke up and realized how immensely unhappy i am.
i feel like all my disappointment will cave in and crush me.

i hate my job.
i dont want to go back.

maybe i'm chasing the ghost of a ghost who is chasing ghosts.

fuck it all.
i don't even care anymore.
this is what ive been reduced to.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

and what's new pussycat is that you were once a lioness

somedays i just don't feel pretty.
and i look at all these gorgeous happy girls with boyfriends who love them.
they've got goals, homes, children.
am i so defective no one can love me like that for more than a few months?

i always find these guys who treat me so wonderfully for a while.
and then i spend a year or two waiting for that love to come back.
i feed off memories of a person long gone.
i replay scenes and dialogue we will never have again.
i hold on to those few great moments and say
"this will pass, it will come back."
i try to love enough to make up for your lacking.
and it never does.

what if it never does?

maybe i am just that much more attractive and lovable when i am single.
i'm beautiful and carefree and i laugh
i do things for ME
i appear stronger.

but if anyone knew anything,
they would know standing by someone's side
takes far more strength than standing alone,
because often, in my experience,
you've got to help hold that other person up.

that's the beauty of love;;
pushing and pulling
give and take
it's all action and reaction.
filling in hollows
smoothing out peaks
it's only hard when you make it that way.

open your eyes.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

i miss human touch
more specifically yours.
i would never admit that to you.
i miss feeling you crawl into bed, throwing your leg over me and wrapping your arms around me.
like i was the filling to some awesome love burrito.

i am becoming jaded and bitter and
that makes me very sad.
i feel like if something doesnt change soon my heart will shrivel and die.
all the good things in me will go with it.
i dont want to be an angry person.

i want to be sunlight and love.
i want to wake up to a warm body and embraces.
i want secrets and adventures.
i want dreaded goodbyes and anticipated hello's.
i want to hear "get here."
i want to hear "i love you."
i want growth, and dreams.

i want you to love me again.
and its something i have absolutely no control over.
i'm trying really hard not to give up on you.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

i'm getting so tired of it all.
i'm tired of giving and giving and wanting and wanting
and never getting anything back.
i'm tired of being treated like shit simply because i won't put up a fight.
you do realize what an asshole that makes you, right?
treating someone badly because they put up with it?
just because i won't fight back does not make it okay,
or justify your deplorable behavior.

not that you would even stop a second to consider me, my feelings, or that fact that i have heart you promised never to break again. (i knew that was a lie the second it left your lips and wished i could shove the words back behind your teeth.)
oh no,
you're too busy chasing ghosts of not so great things (from what i've heard) that are long dead.
would you love me if i treated you like shit?
made you feel bad about yourself?
yelled at you?
i'm sorry i wont do that.
i won't feed into your masochistic tendencies.
go find someone else to abuse you.

is it so hard to love me?
is it so easy to not care about me?
evidently so.
you make it a point to wake up everyday and tell me that you don't care about me.
why do i put up with this shit?
i don't like pain.
i just love you,
and i hate giving up on people.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

my skull is pounding.
theres a giant steam locomotive inside,
going round and round at neck breaking speeds
ready to careen off the track at any given minute.

there are currents in my limbs and i feel
that if i don't do something soon i will rot.

my friends have jobs, children, school, boyfriends, husbands, best friends.
they've got fucking goals and ambition.
i've got a car i don't even own, a chihuahua that doesn't even live with me, and my family.
i'm being left behind.

i need to run somewhere fast.
i need to scream until my lungs are pounding and my vision blurs and i don't think i make any more noise.

it's all bones, flesh, and droning on and on.
i'm so tired of jogging in place.

i need some wind in my sails.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

i don't know.
i guess it's sort of like that sometimes.

i sat in a dark theater, watched a movie alone.
and i laughed.
i laughed and realized i'm completely fine finding joy in things, with or without someone by my side.

today has been more down than the past week,
but i'm not going to let that get to me.

i feel like freedom and magic and beauty a lot of times.

i realized i take care of everyone i encounter, because i want to make people feel better.
i like to think that someday someone will do that for me.
i can take care of myself,
it would just be nice for someone to step in and take some weight off now and again.
but time marches on, no one does,
so i wake up each day, look in the mirror and say
"you are beautiful. you are strong. you are worth all the love in the world."

maybe, deep down, i am just meant to be a martyr.
i'll love myself every step of the way.
and i will love you enough for the both of us.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

it's all dirty fingernails and two sleeping pills every night.
weird dreams and groggy mornings.

i like this most of all,
because i'm writing for no one.
i'm writing for me and me and me and sometimes you, only not really.

thunder and golden days will come again.
something in the fabric of my soul tells me this.
it says
"hold on darling, just a little while, just a little while longer."

i want to sing.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

someday my prince will come...

i'm leaving soon.
i can feel it in my bones.
i cannot muster any sadness
only stare forward.
sometimes things happen to me in life and i think
"what did i do to deserve this?"
i realized a long time ago that you have no control over the actions of others.

i guess i am just growing weary of running around,
of holding onto something i cannot call my own.

i know i will do more than my share of crying for the both of us.
i highly doubt you will feel any remorse.
you have all your fair weather friends to get you through.

no point in anticipation or mourning that which hasn't come to fruition yet.
i will have plenty of lonely nights to hug myself and cry with the shadows.

i must compliment you though,
everyday you get better and better at insulting me.
you sharpen the knife right, and know just where to stick it.

i hold out in hopes one day a loving man will come along, who wants to build me up, not tear me down. and above all else, i hope that i know what to do with him.
i don't think you are that man.

Friday, August 22, 2008

last night i fell asleep crying and woke up dreaming.
the beginning of the film brought back memories.
happy memories that made me mourn the state of it all.

i distinctly remember seeing fireworks on the inside of my eyelids as we kissed.
in the background bowie wondered aloud about the possibility of beings on the red planet.
at the time it all seemed so climactic and perfect.
you still genuinely cared.
the night was full of embraces, whispers...
i couldn't recall ever feeling so loved and safe.

i am sure you haven't thought of those sorts of things since they happened.
i am a time filler for you.
entertainment while treading water.
and i am pathetic.
still loving you.
craving an embrace or a genuine kiss.
standing by your side
braving insults and rejection,
all in hopes you will come to your senses before i do.
i still see a diamond in this pile of dust and bones.

i'll hold on until i can't anymore.
i wish i could tell you i love you.
i wish we could talk.
it may always be a story of me loving you and you loving her.
we always love those who hurt us the most, i guess.

and i thought i was bad news and would end up hurting you.
funny the way things turn out.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.

sometimes i get an overwhelming feeling to move.
i go on walks.
something primal tells me if my legs stop moving, my brain and heart will cease to function.
i will simply quit breathing and evaporate.

lately i have a horrible fear of fading away into anonymity.
100 years from now, no one will know my name.

i walk in puddles, to look back and see footsteps.
just to know for at least one minute, i left my mark somewhere, on something.

after all that has happened, i am just a girl, a child.
afraid of shadows, uncomfortable in the light.
i feel like an alien.
i hear people laughing and talking, everywhere.
i feel disconnected from it all, from the world.

i walk past families, houses lit up, lawns littered with toys, people talking in garages
and i feel ten thousand miles away.
i look up at the night sky,
and i swear i see movement
a hint of the cosmos collapsing.

small figures in a vast expanse.

this all sounds so much better inside my head.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

decisions, decisions

as of right now,
i am still completely undecided
as to why i made this blog,
or even what i have to discuss.
it will come to me eventually, i'm sure.