Thursday, November 27, 2008

pray to god i see headlights

i downloaded a zip file of against me! b-sides and live recordings.
i've just been listening to wagon wheel on repeat.

lately i can't bring myself to pretend to want to hang out with people.
i would rather sit at home bored out of my mind
than go sit with a group of people and pretend to give a shit about what they are saying.
what's wrong with me?
i'm not saying i don't want to hang out with anyone,
only that i'm filled with a bizarre sense of self honesty.
i can't trick myself into doing things anymore,
no matter how i lie and try to convince myself i want to surround myself with mundane conversation and drinking.

anytime i try to express an idea lately, it comes off far too cynical, whiny, and angry.
so to clear the air, i'm just fucking bored.

my mind rejects the frequency

my hands and feet are always cold.
i've been losing weight and drinking way too much coca cola.
i have freckles and cheek bones again....weird.
i need a backrub and someone to scratch the itch between my shoulder blades.
everyday i wake up and pull the covers back over my head.
i'm burnt out by these boring routines and overplayed conversations.
i get angry when i think about kissing you, because i can't
and most of all because i hate to admit that i care for anyone.
deep down somewhere i feel that perhaps it is a kind of weakness.
all i know is...
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
it's fucking cold and the bath water never feels hot enough.

i did a web search and am comforted by the fact i am not the only person with an overwhelming fear of zombies.
it may sound like i am just joking, but i'm truly serious.
i know it's irrational, but my imagination runs wild.

i can't wait to go home and eat turkey with my family.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

and now my sockets sit like empty catchers' mitts waiting

my skin is itching
if i could slip it off
only for a while
i think i would feel better.
and at the end of the day,
i just want some things of my own.
open arms and a place to lay my head.
i want something familiar that doesn't grow old.
refresh refresh refresh.
broken fingernails, bruises, an empty bed and ghost vibrations.
after so many fucking failures,
i just want to see the sun rise.

Monday, November 24, 2008

i am sleepy.
we went to a mexican restaurant at 4 pm.
i had 2 big margaritas and got drunk.

i feel silly and awkward right now.
i don't know what i want
i don't know what i want.
i feel all out of sorts.

i need an anchor sometimes

Friday, November 21, 2008

under a honey moon

this cold windy city somehow makes me feel warmer than anywhere else.
it would be easy to say that is because of a singular person or experience,
however i think it is a large compilation of things.
it's strange but i feel as if my heart beat has synchronized with my current surroundings.

i don't want to come home.
i'm going to though.

"we started laughing until it didn't hurt"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i feel as if everywhere i go i find even bigger and better things.
it creates in me a temptation to never stop the movement.
perhaps that is really what i need to do.
just keep going and going until something magically fits.
and wherever i am when that happens,
is exactly where i am supposed to be.

i find answers in cacophony.
train rides and city noises.
i keep getting lost and frustrated.
my legs hurt from all the walking, and i can't feel my toes a lot of times.
but the beauty is,
eventually i get to where i was going
(even if i go in the opposite direction for a while)
and the feeling in my limbs keeps returning.
as long as that keeps happening, i'm content.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

so i moved back to indianapolis.
it's been up and down and up and down
but mostly up in all honesty.

i was hungover until about 10 minutes ago.
all courtesy of this amazing drink i found that is even better than
vitamin water revive
(which i hold near and dear.)
i don't know or really care how this drink does what it does,
and if it causes cancer in 20 years for me, oh well.
it's the bottle at left and its pretty damn amazing.
and it sort of tastes like gummy worms, so that doesn't hurt.

i'm so sleepy. i really wish i could just crawl into someone's bed and go to sleep. but i'm probably not going to be able to sleep anymore today.

i'm hungry.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the city called me home.
so i didn't hesitate and haven't looked back.
i'm gone.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

let's get out of this country

i want to be free range forever. i spent 5 years living for other people, and caring for everyone i came in contact with. i loved people who never asked for or deserved my love. i threw self respect out the window with my carefree, confident soul. and the more time goes by, i realize i'm not so sure i ever want to be in a position where i will be tempted to do that again. i love who i am right now. i love what a good friend i am, and that my life is about me.

i don't think i can stay here much longer,
and i am already tempted to just drop all my responsibilities to pack up and go.
this place isn't home anymore, and hasn't been for some time.

a late night drive, and i swear the skyline whispered "welcome home."

Sunday, November 2, 2008


i'm a mountain of contradictions, and i love it.
none of these are severe, or apply to my beliefs.
it's just always a swirl of contradictory emotions.
i have the ability to play devils advocate to myself.
to survey my options and act accordingly.
i am getting better at this as i grow older.

not to sound cliche,
but the way i feel lately can only be described as infinite.
i feel like i have so many options and opportunities in the world.
i just want to do everything all at once.

i just want to be free.

arizona roadtrip in february
i'm excited.
the desert has been calling my name for almost a year now.

2009 will be the year of travel for me.
also according to my birth chart it will be my luckiest year for romance in a decade.
10 years ago i was 11, so my love life was prettttty hectic.

the point of all this is this:
i am awesome, and i am excited for the future.