Sunday, September 28, 2008

Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

i was never, no, never, no,
never enough but
i can try, i can try
to toughen up.

i'm not so sure about things anymore...
sometimes i wonder if there is another person out there
that i could love just as much as you, if not more.
a person who would love me back,
even when it's inconvenient.
someone who would actually stick with it.
sometimes i wonder if this will ever be worth what i put myself through.
i'm slowly but surely losing heart.
if i'm wrong, forgive me for being weak.
but a girl can't cling to beautiful faded memories forever.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

all i do all day long is complain inside my head.
it's getting to be problem.
i need to find something to laugh about,
instead of waiting for other people to make me laugh.

the day is coming.
i've already written the note in my head.
"i love you too much to keep doing this."
short and simple.
it's so hard to do something different when you've done one thing for so long.
but i guess the best way to love someone,
is to set them free.

i'll figure it all out.
there have been bigger bumps in the road.
it's just easy to lay there and cry for a while.
i'll get back in the saddle eventually.
just let me lay here in the dirt a while.

you were right though.
i'm not as dumb as i look.
don't forget it either.
i think you have.
today i woke up and realized how immensely unhappy i am.
i feel like all my disappointment will cave in and crush me.

i hate my job.
i dont want to go back.

maybe i'm chasing the ghost of a ghost who is chasing ghosts.

fuck it all.
i don't even care anymore.
this is what ive been reduced to.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

and what's new pussycat is that you were once a lioness

somedays i just don't feel pretty.
and i look at all these gorgeous happy girls with boyfriends who love them.
they've got goals, homes, children.
am i so defective no one can love me like that for more than a few months?

i always find these guys who treat me so wonderfully for a while.
and then i spend a year or two waiting for that love to come back.
i feed off memories of a person long gone.
i replay scenes and dialogue we will never have again.
i hold on to those few great moments and say
"this will pass, it will come back."
i try to love enough to make up for your lacking.
and it never does.

what if it never does?

maybe i am just that much more attractive and lovable when i am single.
i'm beautiful and carefree and i laugh
i do things for ME
i appear stronger.

but if anyone knew anything,
they would know standing by someone's side
takes far more strength than standing alone,
because often, in my experience,
you've got to help hold that other person up.

that's the beauty of love;;
pushing and pulling
give and take
it's all action and reaction.
filling in hollows
smoothing out peaks
it's only hard when you make it that way.

open your eyes.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

i miss human touch
more specifically yours.
i would never admit that to you.
i miss feeling you crawl into bed, throwing your leg over me and wrapping your arms around me.
like i was the filling to some awesome love burrito.

i am becoming jaded and bitter and
that makes me very sad.
i feel like if something doesnt change soon my heart will shrivel and die.
all the good things in me will go with it.
i dont want to be an angry person.

i want to be sunlight and love.
i want to wake up to a warm body and embraces.
i want secrets and adventures.
i want dreaded goodbyes and anticipated hello's.
i want to hear "get here."
i want to hear "i love you."
i want growth, and dreams.

i want you to love me again.
and its something i have absolutely no control over.
i'm trying really hard not to give up on you.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

i'm getting so tired of it all.
i'm tired of giving and giving and wanting and wanting
and never getting anything back.
i'm tired of being treated like shit simply because i won't put up a fight.
you do realize what an asshole that makes you, right?
treating someone badly because they put up with it?
just because i won't fight back does not make it okay,
or justify your deplorable behavior.

not that you would even stop a second to consider me, my feelings, or that fact that i have heart you promised never to break again. (i knew that was a lie the second it left your lips and wished i could shove the words back behind your teeth.)
oh no,
you're too busy chasing ghosts of not so great things (from what i've heard) that are long dead.
would you love me if i treated you like shit?
made you feel bad about yourself?
yelled at you?
i'm sorry i wont do that.
i won't feed into your masochistic tendencies.
go find someone else to abuse you.

is it so hard to love me?
is it so easy to not care about me?
evidently so.
you make it a point to wake up everyday and tell me that you don't care about me.
why do i put up with this shit?
i don't like pain.
i just love you,
and i hate giving up on people.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

my skull is pounding.
theres a giant steam locomotive inside,
going round and round at neck breaking speeds
ready to careen off the track at any given minute.

there are currents in my limbs and i feel
that if i don't do something soon i will rot.

my friends have jobs, children, school, boyfriends, husbands, best friends.
they've got fucking goals and ambition.
i've got a car i don't even own, a chihuahua that doesn't even live with me, and my family.
i'm being left behind.

i need to run somewhere fast.
i need to scream until my lungs are pounding and my vision blurs and i don't think i make any more noise.

it's all bones, flesh, and droning on and on.
i'm so tired of jogging in place.

i need some wind in my sails.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

i don't know.
i guess it's sort of like that sometimes.

i sat in a dark theater, watched a movie alone.
and i laughed.
i laughed and realized i'm completely fine finding joy in things, with or without someone by my side.

today has been more down than the past week,
but i'm not going to let that get to me.

i feel like freedom and magic and beauty a lot of times.

i realized i take care of everyone i encounter, because i want to make people feel better.
i like to think that someday someone will do that for me.
i can take care of myself,
it would just be nice for someone to step in and take some weight off now and again.
but time marches on, no one does,
so i wake up each day, look in the mirror and say
"you are beautiful. you are strong. you are worth all the love in the world."

maybe, deep down, i am just meant to be a martyr.
i'll love myself every step of the way.
and i will love you enough for the both of us.