is blogger dead?
none of the people i follow have updated in over two weeks!

i use tumblr more anyway.

last night

• the 1511
• sex before marriage, kurt rambis, and sleepwall. awesome times.
• 30 case of PBR gone within an hour or two.
• lots of friendship. loved it.
• left the 1511
• picked up another 30 case
• went to moria
• went back to our house
• lost the unopened case somewhere along the way
• bought 2 six packs instead
• went swimming at an awesome country club
• saw a dude slam dunk a basketball. naked.
• sat in lifeguard chair and told people to quit running, swim faster, and jump higher off the diving board.
• jumped off the lifeguard chair, diving board, and slid down the slide. over and over.
• drank beer. poured some into the water for my homies.
• left the pool around 3 am.
• mcdonalds drive through. EGG MCMUFFINS. sans canadian bacon.
• SLEEP.

all in all, a successful summer saturday night.
win.

working 40 hours a week, maintaining a social life, and doing homework are starting to get to me. i feel like i never have time to clean, do laundry, or stay up watching movies. it’s all structure and rules and responsibility. yuck.

anyone know a way to make a day have more than 24 hours?

at least i still get to go to sleep every night and wake up every morning next to a person i love, a person who makes me feel wonderful. that’s more than enough for me.

so my car is either dead or dying, and i felt like a bad mother for abandoning it in the ghetto. hopefully unsavory characters can tell from the way it looks that it is nothing worth stealing, because i love that car despite it all. it's tough and temperamental, but it's been there for me many a night, making sure i always felt like i had places to go. (even if only the columbus walmart at 2 am.)

i started my online classes today, and algebra/trig looks terrifying. i barely remember how to use numbers anymore, let alone letters that stand for hypothetical numbers!

i am supposed to work in columbus tomorrow, and i have no idea how that is going to happen.
i really don't want to go back.

i am happy, and that is all i have to say.

as the weather is picking up, so are my mood and mentality. sometimes you stumble across things that appear to be all that you want…only to discover things you never knew you needed. this year my life has been all about feeling good, while only doing things that feel natural and right. (bad things can make you feel good too, even if not for long.)

i feel like there’s more that i could say, but i would much rather go enjoy this weather.

i had a much needed awesome night out last night. i'm hungover as hell, but it was more than worth it. newcastle will be the death of me, i am sure.

i love who i am, i love the people i know, and i'm excited for my future.

"Love is the thing that everybody's looking for, even when we know it's hard to find, and I know that finding it is a cakewalk compared to living with it, and the only thing worse than living with it is losing it."

all i do is work.
and it still feels like i never have enough money.


i'm lonely.
(but i'll be okay.)

uhmmm i’m alive. and i have money. and i’m always working.

that’s all really.

bahaha.

"An April 2008 poll by SurveyUSA estimated that at least 18 million American adults had been Rickrolled."

i like

• working
• making money
• getting lots of sleep
• getting ready to start college.

lucky for me....this is my life currently.
SCORE!

so i've been working a few days. i hated it for a minute, but i'm pretty alright now. i only have a partial section for the first week and even though i've been working slow lunch shifts i still make at least 35 dollars every day. for a few hours. i don't mind that.

also, i can sleep without tylenol pm now! this made me so happy i almost cried. i woke up at 8 am today without an alarm. anyone who knows me well, knows what a feat this is for me. i also eat 3 meals a day. i'm just doing all sorts of smart things these days. (it's about time.)

i'll be getting my own place in indy sometime between january and june 2010. until then, i'm slinging steak, saving money, and going to college. i'm doing some much needed self improvement, and i feel great.

that's all.

"Well, everybody wants to go on forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight."

this song defines just how i feel about relationships these days.
thank you ryan adams.
you're always good at saying the things i don't know how to say.

i'm unusually hard to hold on to.

i'm starting to worry that i disposed of so many bad habits...just to put others in their place.


i keep thinking about eliminating alcohol from my life. currently, i still drink beer and wine occasionally. even when i do drink, i don't "binge drink." i'm in the middle of deciding whether i feel this is okay or not. when i think about doing away with drinking, it's sad to say all i can think is "why?" i do not have an answer to this question, therefore i haven't made a decision.


i'm tired. i don't know what the point of this was.
also i just realized my 2 weeks of no meat are up tomorrow. i think i'm just going to see how long i can keep doing this.

i will figure it out eventually.

"how strange it is to be anything at all."

man...all i want to do is listen to music, make money, and ride my bike alone on empty country roads. i'm ready to start school.


i hate when i start feeling lonely. i've fine most of the time, but this past week has been getting to me.
at least it's nice to know that no matter what, i'll be just fine.

i take comfort in this thought daily.

i am going to lose my mind if i do not get a job by friday.
i am BORED. and BROKE.
tomorrow i am going to use the last of my gas and apply at approximately one million places.
if nothing comes of that, i'm taking it as a sign to develop a nasty drug habit and start hooking.

i registered for school today at ivy tech.
i’m only taking three classes this summer, but i’ll be full time in the fall.
if i go this summer and next summer, i’ll be able to get my AA in one year.
then i have to transfer to IUPUI to get my bachelors in psychology.
so it looks like i’ll be moving back to indianapolis next summer.

i’m excited for my future.

also, i've realized making major changes in the people i surround myself with has been crucial.
i spent the weekend in indianapolis, and had an amazing time.
i met new people, saw some i haven't seen in a while, and most of all thoroughly enjoyed it all despite drinking way too much and only sleeping 3 hrs in a 48 hr period.

for some reason, coming home tonight to a turned on porch light made me smile.
it’s nice to know that someone thinks about me coming home, even if it’s only my grandma.
it nice to know someone likes sleeping in my bed, even if it’s only my dog.
there are worse things in the world.

at the end of the day, i’m much happier alone than with a group of fair weather friends.
i’m starting to worry because i enjoy music, movies, and books more than most people i know.
i find them to be far more rewarding and worth my time.

i am the healthiest i have ever been, both mentally and physically.

buutttt…
i am broke. and it sucks. i think possibly i am so healthy because
1.)i am too poor to go out
2.)this means i never see people.

i’ve realized how much i love poisonous people.
i do not make the best choices in close friends, or the people i date.
i just want to save everyone.
the more lost a cause is, the more i love it.
it’s time to close the door on that portion of my life.

i’m struggling these days to count the people i would label a friend.
i definitely do not need more than one hand.
oddly enough, i can’t bring myself to care.

ha.

coincidence: (n) the appearance of a meaningful connection when there is none

you always told me there was no such thing as coincidence. supposedly it all means something.
i chuckled a bit when i went to check out a book by one of your favorite authors. it’s already checked out.
it’s due back on your birthday.

i still disagree, by the way.
a coincidence is nothing more than the above definition states.

note to self: a man in a suit is ridiculously attractive.
must attend more weddings, and hang out in...suit stores?

i just colored my hair back to my natural color.
iz nice.

i also got dressed and put on makeup with the intention of going out.
then i remembered i am in columbus, indiana.
oops.

looks like a glass of wine and zombie movies for me.
again.
(but i am not complaining.)

look here red hair,
i love you on other people but i despise you on myself.
so as i type this, some brown hair dye is removing you from my life.
and if you know what is good for you, you will stay away.
kthnxbye.

i'm just a cheerful little lady these days.
iz nice.

things that make me happy (an ongoing list)

-redheads/gingers
-hot baths
-bukowski
-tall people
-produce sprinklers
-my moon shoes
-sneezing
-a slinky on the stairs
-subtitles
-tattoos
-zombie movies
-the sound of traffic when you sit under an overpass
-freckles
-babies
-cartoons
-video games
-eye lashes
-swimming
-flannel
-toothbrushes
-innocence
-toffee
-dandelions
-kites
-indiana summers
-silence
-sandwiches
-polaroids
-nostalgia
-old books
-chocolate chip cookies
-hugs
-late nights
-new socks
-old “new” things
-discovery
-spontaneous dancing
-awkward people
-always looking for the best in people
-my dog
-the beach
-traveling
-self respect

andy samberg is quite possibly the love of my life.
and i may just have to marry him.

"in the many places you're not, i am."

objects of my affection

I remember when, when I first moved here
a long time ago,
cause I heard some song I used to hear back then
a long time ago.

I remember when even further back in another town
cause I saw something written I used to say back then
how to comprehend.

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

But of course somedays I just lie around
and hardly exist
and can't tell apart what I'm eating
from my hand or my wrist.

Cause flesh is flesh, flesh is flesh is flesh
the difference is thin
but life has a certain ability of breathing new life into me
so I breathe it in
it tells me here you are and here all you are here
and still can make sense
if you just show up and present an honest face
instead of that grin.

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

The other day this new friend of mine
said something to me,
'Just because something starts differently
Doesn't mean it's worth less.'
And I soaked it in, how I soaked it in
How I soaked it in
And just asked to prove how right he was
Then you came.

So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try
So I'm gonna give, yes I'm gonna give
I'm gonna give you a try

And the question is was I more alive than right now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now
I cry more often now
I am more me.

if i do not find a job soon, i am going to lose my mind.

i'm glad things have worked out the way they have.
i'm content with the things i've lost,
and i am wildly optimistic.
this is my year for revelations and changes.

i use my bountiful alone time to think.
i realized the longer a person knows me, the further away they get from understanding me.
i feel perhaps those who have known me for years, know less about me now than when they first me.
they start placing me in little compartments and using specific words to describe me.
i am not one layer, and i am not something you can categorize.
i feel like a lot of people stop trying to learn things about me after a specific amount of time because they feel as if they already know all there is to learn.
they are often the first to judge, assume, and sentence me.
and i find myself explaining me to people who should know better than anyone.


things that used to bother me, or maybe should, don't.
there's just not a whole lot i care about anymore.
i'm satisfied with small things.

news.

i’ve felt surprisingly positive today.
moving home is not something i want to do,
but i feel in the end it will definitely be the best thing for me.
i’m looking forward to taking this time to make myself a better person.

weird fact:
my new sister rachel was born today.
this means eiley has an aunt, who is a little over a month YOUNGER than her.
ha.
i’m excited to meet her when i come home
and to spend time with eiley.
i now have two littles babies to watch grow up.
=]


my sister rachel.
born january 16, 2009



and my niece eiley.
born december 5, 2008




so many babies for me to snuggle and love!

one year ago tomorrow i made the biggest mistake of my life.
the only thing i have ever regretted.
i paid dearly for it, and the results haunt me to this day.


this is all starting to hurt and feel far too real.
please fade.
i cant stand the sound of my heart breaking
over
and
over
anymore.

do i ever cross your mind from time to time?
i always said
if you walk away, i’ll walk away
but you walked away a long long time ago

and i’m still here.

last night i had a dream.
we hung out and you told me you missed me.
you told me things weren't the same anymore.
you wanted to be friends, and most of all
you agreed with me in wishing we had never dated.
the rest of the dream consisted just of us hanging out and riding bikes.

now i am awake and that dream felt so real.
reality is sinking in, and after seeming so close
today you feel even further away.

i think for a few days i lost my mind again. what was i thinking??!!!!????!!!! (i wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem)
i’m too stressed out as of late, and i feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom. a strangling, sinking sense of losing my grip on everything.
despite this, i am still mildly optimistic and have complete faith in myself as a person.

safe to say, this is me….letting go of you.
you will learn these lessons in your own due time, and i’m done trying to enlighten you.

hello new year. i have hope for you. you will be awesome.
i am going to make you my bitch, 2009.
there, i said it.

tomorrow, i am going to get a job.
this is the first of many good decisions.