pray to god i see headlights

i downloaded a zip file of against me! b-sides and live recordings.
i've just been listening to wagon wheel on repeat.


lately i can't bring myself to pretend to want to hang out with people.
i would rather sit at home bored out of my mind
than go sit with a group of people and pretend to give a shit about what they are saying.
what's wrong with me?
i'm not saying i don't want to hang out with anyone,
only that i'm filled with a bizarre sense of self honesty.
i can't trick myself into doing things anymore,
no matter how i lie and try to convince myself i want to surround myself with mundane conversation and drinking.

anytime i try to express an idea lately, it comes off far too cynical, whiny, and angry.
so to clear the air, i'm just fucking bored.

my mind rejects the frequency

my hands and feet are always cold.
i've been losing weight and drinking way too much coca cola.
i have freckles and cheek bones again....weird.
i need a backrub and someone to scratch the itch between my shoulder blades.
everyday i wake up and pull the covers back over my head.
i'm burnt out by these boring routines and overplayed conversations.
i get angry when i think about kissing you, because i can't
and most of all because i hate to admit that i care for anyone.
deep down somewhere i feel that perhaps it is a kind of weakness.
all i know is...
i'm tired but i can't sleep.
it's fucking cold and the bath water never feels hot enough.



i did a web search and am comforted by the fact i am not the only person with an overwhelming fear of zombies.
it may sound like i am just joking, but i'm truly serious.
i know it's irrational, but my imagination runs wild.

i can't wait to go home and eat turkey with my family.

and now my sockets sit like empty catchers' mitts waiting

my skin is itching
if i could slip it off
only for a while
i think i would feel better.
and at the end of the day,
i just want some things of my own.
open arms and a place to lay my head.
i want something familiar that doesn't grow old.
refresh refresh refresh.
broken fingernails, bruises, an empty bed and ghost vibrations.
after so many fucking failures,
i just want to see the sun rise.

i am sleepy.
we went to a mexican restaurant at 4 pm.
i had 2 big margaritas and got drunk.


i feel silly and awkward right now.
i don't know what i want
i don't know what i want.
i feel all out of sorts.



iudfhgiudfgyuisyduiayufdyuiysdiufy.
seriously.
i need an anchor sometimes

under a honey moon

this cold windy city somehow makes me feel warmer than anywhere else.
it would be easy to say that is because of a singular person or experience,
however i think it is a large compilation of things.
it's strange but i feel as if my heart beat has synchronized with my current surroundings.

i don't want to come home.
i'm going to though.



"we started laughing until it didn't hurt"

i feel as if everywhere i go i find even bigger and better things.
it creates in me a temptation to never stop the movement.
perhaps that is really what i need to do.
just keep going and going until something magically fits.
and wherever i am when that happens,
is exactly where i am supposed to be.


i find answers in cacophony.
train rides and city noises.
i keep getting lost and frustrated.
my legs hurt from all the walking, and i can't feel my toes a lot of times.
but the beauty is,
eventually i get to where i was going
(even if i go in the opposite direction for a while)
and the feeling in my limbs keeps returning.
as long as that keeps happening, i'm content.

so i moved back to indianapolis.
it's been up and down and up and down
but mostly up in all honesty.


i was hungover until about 10 minutes ago.
all courtesy of this amazing drink i found that is even better than
vitamin water revive
(which i hold near and dear.)
i don't know or really care how this drink does what it does,
and if it causes cancer in 20 years for me, oh well.
it's the bottle at left and its pretty damn amazing.
and it sort of tastes like gummy worms, so that doesn't hurt.



i'm so sleepy. i really wish i could just crawl into someone's bed and go to sleep. but i'm probably not going to be able to sleep anymore today.

i'm hungry.

the city called me home.
so i didn't hesitate and haven't looked back.
i'm gone.

let's get out of this country

i want to be free range forever. i spent 5 years living for other people, and caring for everyone i came in contact with. i loved people who never asked for or deserved my love. i threw self respect out the window with my carefree, confident soul. and the more time goes by, i realize i'm not so sure i ever want to be in a position where i will be tempted to do that again. i love who i am right now. i love what a good friend i am, and that my life is about me.

i don't think i can stay here much longer,
and i am already tempted to just drop all my responsibilities to pack up and go.
this place isn't home anymore, and hasn't been for some time.

a late night drive, and i swear the skyline whispered "welcome home."

future

i'm a mountain of contradictions, and i love it.
none of these are severe, or apply to my beliefs.
it's just always a swirl of contradictory emotions.
i have the ability to play devils advocate to myself.
to survey my options and act accordingly.
i am getting better at this as i grow older.

not to sound cliche,
but the way i feel lately can only be described as infinite.
i feel like i have so many options and opportunities in the world.
i just want to do everything all at once.


i just want to be free.

arizona roadtrip in february
i'm excited.
the desert has been calling my name for almost a year now.


2009 will be the year of travel for me.
also according to my birth chart it will be my luckiest year for romance in a decade.
10 years ago i was 11, so my love life was prettttty hectic.


the point of all this is this:
i am awesome, and i am excited for the future.

i feared the best and loved the worst.

lately all i see are spaceships and shooting stars.
i feel positively mystical and free.

i never felt so wicked
as when i willed our love to die
and i was your silver lining
as the story goes.
i was your silver lining
but now i’m gold.

good luck wanderer.
i wish you nothing but love, joy, smooth roads, and a warm bed each night.

i finally feel some momentum in my life.
i spent the past year licking my wounds, essentially doing nothing.

reading things i wrote little over a month ago is very strange.
the girl writing that self depreciating garbage is miles away.
but it really was nice at the time to have an outlet to say things no one wanted to hear.
so now that i have decided i don't need secrets anymore,
if you go back and read things i wrote not all that long ago...
understand that i lost my mind for some time.
now i have found it, or at least most of it.

i let something stupid get me down for far too long.
i let another person affect my feeling of self worth,
and i blame no one but ME for that.
i ultimately decide how to feel.
it's done and over with,
filed under a folder labeled "the past."

i am on the road again,
and happy as hell to be here.
i don't need anyone to hold my hand.
i am strong, beautiful, and capable of anything.
if you disagree,
then with all due respect,
fuck off.

it's such a strange balance lately.
everyone fits in one of two groups.
i only contain love or hate
no in between.
all the grey areas, either bleached or stained.

i ramble on and on in my headtalking to no one but me.
these days life is full of plastic cups, long car drives, and cluttered horizons.
every song i hear reminds me of someone i know.
life just feels like a movie,and i'm not complaining.
everything is far from perfect and deliciously off kilter.

i miss the city
i'm coming back there soon
this time to make it my home.

i did it.
i left.
finally i am free.




i am going places and doing things.
have fun sitting right where you always were.
in the middle.
i'm ready to live.

Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

i was never, no, never, no,
never enough but
i can try, i can try
to toughen up.

i'm not so sure about things anymore...
sometimes i wonder if there is another person out there
that i could love just as much as you, if not more.
a person who would love me back,
even when it's inconvenient.
someone who would actually stick with it.
sometimes i wonder if this will ever be worth what i put myself through.
i'm slowly but surely losing heart.
if i'm wrong, forgive me for being weak.
but a girl can't cling to beautiful faded memories forever.

all i do all day long is complain inside my head.
it's getting to be problem.
i need to find something to laugh about,
instead of waiting for other people to make me laugh.




the day is coming.
i've already written the note in my head.
"i love you too much to keep doing this."
short and simple.
it's so hard to do something different when you've done one thing for so long.
but i guess the best way to love someone,
is to set them free.


i'll figure it all out.
there have been bigger bumps in the road.
it's just easy to lay there and cry for a while.
i'll get back in the saddle eventually.
just let me lay here in the dirt a while.


you were right though.
i'm not as dumb as i look.
don't forget it either.
i think you have.

today i woke up and realized how immensely unhappy i am.
i feel like all my disappointment will cave in and crush me.


i hate my job.
i dont want to go back.


maybe i'm chasing the ghost of a ghost who is chasing ghosts.


fuck it all.
i don't even care anymore.
this is what ive been reduced to.

and what's new pussycat is that you were once a lioness

somedays i just don't feel pretty.
and i look at all these gorgeous happy girls with boyfriends who love them.
they've got goals, homes, children.
am i so defective no one can love me like that for more than a few months?

i always find these guys who treat me so wonderfully for a while.
and then i spend a year or two waiting for that love to come back.
i feed off memories of a person long gone.
i replay scenes and dialogue we will never have again.
i hold on to those few great moments and say
"this will pass, it will come back."
i try to love enough to make up for your lacking.
and it never does.


what if it never does?

maybe i am just that much more attractive and lovable when i am single.
i'm beautiful and carefree and i laugh
i do things for ME
i appear stronger.



but if anyone knew anything,
they would know standing by someone's side
takes far more strength than standing alone,
because often, in my experience,
you've got to help hold that other person up.


that's the beauty of love;;
pushing and pulling
give and take
it's all action and reaction.
filling in hollows
smoothing out peaks
it's only hard when you make it that way.

open your eyes.

i miss human touch
more specifically yours.
i would never admit that to you.
i miss feeling you crawl into bed, throwing your leg over me and wrapping your arms around me.
like i was the filling to some awesome love burrito.

i am becoming jaded and bitter and
that makes me very sad.
i feel like if something doesnt change soon my heart will shrivel and die.
all the good things in me will go with it.
i dont want to be an angry person.

i want to be sunlight and love.
i want to wake up to a warm body and embraces.
i want secrets and adventures.
i want dreaded goodbyes and anticipated hello's.
i want to hear "get here."
i want to hear "i love you."
i want growth, and dreams.

i want you to love me again.
and its something i have absolutely no control over.
i'm trying really hard not to give up on you.