hello new year. i have hope for you. you will be awesome.
i am going to make you my bitch, 2009.
there, i said it.

tomorrow, i am going to get a job.
this is the first of many good decisions.

I tell you how I feel, but you don’t care.
I say “tell me the truth,” but you don’t dare.
You say love is a hell you cannot bear.
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care.

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got your head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

I have never been insulted in all my life.
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride.
First you run like a fool just to be at my side.
And now you run like a fool, but you just run to hide, and I can’t abide.

I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got this head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

Don’t make it a big deal, don’t be so sensitive.
We’re not playing a game anymore, you don’t have to be so defensive.
Don’t you plead me your case, don’t bother to explain.
Dont even show me your face, cause it’s a crying shame.
Just go back to the rock from under which you came.
Take the sorrow you gave and all the stakes you claim -
And don’t forget the blame.
I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream.
You got this head in the clouds and you’re not at all what you seem.
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways.
So don’t forget what I told you, don’t come around, I got my own hell to raise.

i don't know who i am.

i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. i feel like i'm falling endlessly, scrabbling for a foothold. nothing feels right anymore.

somedays i just feel so tired.

i just want to lay down for a minute.
i want someone to wrap their arms around me, and feel okay knowing they expect nothing in return.

i don't know whats going on anymore.

in the past few weeks,
i've realized i still love you.
all that anger and bitterness dissolved,
and now all i've got left are these feelings.

i'm sorry i did it all wrong,
i'm sorry i wasn't stronger.
i'm watching fake polaroids develop on a computer screen
just so i can remember.

i feel like for the first time in a while,
i am moving in lots of directions.
i just wish everyone would quit trying to yank me back to wherever they are.

let me go, let me be free.
i need none of the things i thought
and everything i never knew i did.
i've got ghosts to deal with,
and shadows to chase out of my head.
you all go your way,
i'll go mine.
god willing, i'll see you on the other side.

don't wait until you are caught in a lie to tell the truth.
don't wait until everything is crumbling to start rebuilding.
if you truly valued anyone,
you would never have done what you did.
that fact of the matter is,
in the short time i've known you,
it's become apparent the only person you value
is you.

no matter what your history with anyone is,
your actions are inexcusable.
they demonstrate a complete lack of respect for other human beings,
and a sort of cruelty and selfishness i didn't know was possible.


i've known a lot of assholes,
but baby,
you take the cake.




------------------------------
on a happier note,
this past weekend has been one of revolutions and kindred spirits.
my eyes are wide open, and i'm excited for the future.
starting NOW,
i'm not listening to anyone but myself.

such dead slumber will get you nowhere in the end.

what the hell am i doing with myself,
and did i just fuck up possibility of growth in my life once again?
i need to wake up.
liquor soaked nights.
i'm drowning.


and when i close my eyes that final time,
all i want is to know that i had moments of truth and love.
i don't need to possess something for it to bring me joy.
the greatest things in life cannot be held or even claimed.
it's the intangibles that make the greatest impact.

be real, be kind, and most of all...love.

i couldn't go back to sleep because i knew that this was the last time i could allow myself to act as if i cared.
i excel in pretending not to care, as you will come to find out.
and perhaps, wonder if i really cared at all.

filled it to the brim with hot water.
i scrubbed the smell of you from my skin,
and untangled the knots you left in my hair.
knowing i'm better than this doesn't help,
and you thinking i'm beautiful gets me nowhere.

i said quit being dumb,
knowing good and well
that entailed quitting me.
i hope everything works out for you,
and you figure life out more easily than i did.



bought two new books today, and a notebook to keep in my purse.


whoever said laughter was the best medicine,
never read bukowski.

i am right.

& you are wrong.

my head has become increasingly foggy.

i drink whiskey to chase away cold, lonely nights.

i'm starting to realize the world is nothing but a very large room full of lonely people.

we're all too busy feeling sorry for ourselves to realize there are people all around us.

i just realized i miss you.
weird.

When you crawl into bed
You pull the covers a bit too tight
Get drunk and lay your head on my pillow
Mute and white
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
It's always those black black circles around your eyes
Darker still
Such dead slumber will get you nowhere in the end
So do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you wish someone was there to rock you to sleep?
And hold you near?
Well, that won't be me.
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do
Do you dream at all?
Because I don't believe you do

there's no stopping this

it may be a good time for a spot of hibernation.
i'm thoroughly suspicious of basically every person in my life.
i've come to the conclusion everyone is out to serve their own best interests
and too much trust in anyone is a mistake i cannot afford to make.
everything i hear sounds like the sharpening of knives.
i wish i could say my distrust is without reason,
but sadly, we've been here too many times before.

i need a foothold, a rope, anything.

raise a glass to transition

at this moment,
i feel beautiful, strong, smooth, and fiercely independent.
wine, you are a saint.
clarity, you are a goddess.
i feel a breeze, and the slightest hint of movement in my life.

i had forgotten how good it felt to fall asleep tangled in another person.
i had also forgotten how good it felt to sit in my underwear drinking wine alone at midnight.
enjoyed.

guts.

those roads that stretch ahead of us,
the roads that led us here;
singing traditional renditions of the songs we sang last year.
and though these times have made us stronger,
the outcome's no more clear.

calling old friends to make sure they're real,
talking, talking just to feel that sense of home you lost when you left last year.
distance is just numbers on a dashboard,
hours thinking about nothing but the transmission stutter you fear.

i remember what you whispered in my ear,
and all the things we tried so hard to never have to hear, like
"kids tighten up, start saving for the golden years."
well, hey, that picture it fades day by day and the outcome's not so clear.

don't think I'll see you around this winter,
and my tongue's stuck full of splinters;
'cause I'm embarrassed to admit what I've been thinking.
well, hope keeps some afloat, but for me it's no life boat.
the tighter I hold on the deeper down I'm sinking.

tried to put my finger on it but gave it my whole arm.
reached out with good intention, but it only did more harm.
find ourselves alone since the day we're born,
so we seek someone to sew sutures in the places where we're torn.
["calling old friends"-defiance, ohio]



i'm usually not too big on just posting lyrics as a replacement for my thoughts, but in this case every word of this song resonates with me.

it's the time of year when i lose my mind and run away.
there's a wolf on the couch next to me
and you make think that's some witty metaphor,
but i'm simply talking about a fur stole.
for the record i hate that you randomly enter my thoughts
especially since we havent spoken since the beginning of the ending.
i'm well over it but feel you shouldn't be allowed to pollute my life,
even from a distance.

i hate my madness, yet find it incredibly intoxicating all at once.
i dislike facing my demons.
i love everything that is broken.
if you have something that is still whole,
i will gladly break it for you
so that i may better love it.
if you are full of broken things
i have
needle and thread
elmer's glue.
i promise i will make an utter mess of it all
just so you will feel a little warmer at night.
perhaps you will believe that anyone ever cared.
fool.


fuck my stupid birth chart horoscope,
"December 8, 2008--What your heart has been hinting at and your desires have been leaning towards takes one step closer to reality today, with the arrival of Venus, planet of love, into your romantic sector. This is the start of a process that will eventually see romantic dreams and fantasies that have been building, in some cases for up to a decade, evolve into reality. You have begun a journey of the heart that will soon see half the solar system united in the cause."

sounds pretty gay to me.




i need to chill out on the whiskey and writing for a few days.
i'm not making any sense, and i sound completely insane.
i think it's the hormones.

stay warm, stay safe, stay dry.

i had a pretty great night.
sometimes i feel like i don't laugh enough.
and i definitely did plenty of that last night.
i need a night in
to lay in bed
watch movies
and laugh,
in a bed that isn't empty.
too many things are empty.

i'm not looking for a major revolution, or even a radical war.
all i want is a little love in strange places, endless nights, and open arms.

life for me is all confusion and curly hair lately.
i'm either on the verge of a breakthrough
or losing my mind.

i'm scared to say...
i'm starting to lose faith in everyone.


which way is up?
i don't remember.

i switch the rules

the concept of life captivates me.
today i will go meet a brand new human being that has been living inside my sister for over half a year.
in one moment she will go from being an idea to a reality,
and it fucking blows my mind.
she will eat, sleep, cry, laugh, love, learn, and grow older.
i cannot wait.
we all start out this way,
yet the end result is never the same.


looking in the mirror pains me lately.
i don't recognize the person staring back.
my teeth cut my lips, bruise my tongue, and
the general state of it all is black and blue.

i have no idea what i am talking about
and
i
am
hungry.

pocahontas is a bitch.

forever on the tip of my tongue.
somedays even the most crowded room feels like a ghost town.
i wish i was a real wizard.
then maybe i could better navigate this giant fucking paper bag that is my life.


i have no idea where i am going.
over and over i am told
the journey is more important than the destination.
quite frankly, i'm not buying it.

something crucial is missing, and i can't remember what it is.
i feel that outside of family, especially my sister,
no one in my life comes close to knowing or understanding me.
nothings more frustrating that someone using "i know how you feel" as a conversation filler.
it's rather irritating.
i want someone to be for me, what i am for other people.



substances slaughter things in my brain and the next morning i find myself struggling to remember anything at all.

i want to create but there's nothing left in me.
sorry, i gave it all away.


i just spent ten minutes listening to static and feedback in my headphones.
i think i'm going crazy again.
fuck.

i tried to handstands for you.

i feel a little better after this weekend.
being around people and just having fun was exactly what i needed.
maybe this place isn't as dead as i though.
maybe there's still more for me to do here.