i feared the best and loved the worst.

lately all i see are spaceships and shooting stars.
i feel positively mystical and free.

i never felt so wicked
as when i willed our love to die
and i was your silver lining
as the story goes.
i was your silver lining
but now i’m gold.

good luck wanderer.
i wish you nothing but love, joy, smooth roads, and a warm bed each night.

i finally feel some momentum in my life.
i spent the past year licking my wounds, essentially doing nothing.

reading things i wrote little over a month ago is very strange.
the girl writing that self depreciating garbage is miles away.
but it really was nice at the time to have an outlet to say things no one wanted to hear.
so now that i have decided i don't need secrets anymore,
if you go back and read things i wrote not all that long ago...
understand that i lost my mind for some time.
now i have found it, or at least most of it.

i let something stupid get me down for far too long.
i let another person affect my feeling of self worth,
and i blame no one but ME for that.
i ultimately decide how to feel.
it's done and over with,
filed under a folder labeled "the past."

i am on the road again,
and happy as hell to be here.
i don't need anyone to hold my hand.
i am strong, beautiful, and capable of anything.
if you disagree,
then with all due respect,
fuck off.

it's such a strange balance lately.
everyone fits in one of two groups.
i only contain love or hate
no in between.
all the grey areas, either bleached or stained.

i ramble on and on in my headtalking to no one but me.
these days life is full of plastic cups, long car drives, and cluttered horizons.
every song i hear reminds me of someone i know.
life just feels like a movie,and i'm not complaining.
everything is far from perfect and deliciously off kilter.

i miss the city
i'm coming back there soon
this time to make it my home.

i did it.
i left.
finally i am free.




i am going places and doing things.
have fun sitting right where you always were.
in the middle.
i'm ready to live.

Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance
Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
After a while they always get it
They always reach a sorry end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Washing against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

i was never, no, never, no,
never enough but
i can try, i can try
to toughen up.

i'm not so sure about things anymore...
sometimes i wonder if there is another person out there
that i could love just as much as you, if not more.
a person who would love me back,
even when it's inconvenient.
someone who would actually stick with it.
sometimes i wonder if this will ever be worth what i put myself through.
i'm slowly but surely losing heart.
if i'm wrong, forgive me for being weak.
but a girl can't cling to beautiful faded memories forever.

all i do all day long is complain inside my head.
it's getting to be problem.
i need to find something to laugh about,
instead of waiting for other people to make me laugh.




the day is coming.
i've already written the note in my head.
"i love you too much to keep doing this."
short and simple.
it's so hard to do something different when you've done one thing for so long.
but i guess the best way to love someone,
is to set them free.


i'll figure it all out.
there have been bigger bumps in the road.
it's just easy to lay there and cry for a while.
i'll get back in the saddle eventually.
just let me lay here in the dirt a while.


you were right though.
i'm not as dumb as i look.
don't forget it either.
i think you have.

today i woke up and realized how immensely unhappy i am.
i feel like all my disappointment will cave in and crush me.


i hate my job.
i dont want to go back.


maybe i'm chasing the ghost of a ghost who is chasing ghosts.


fuck it all.
i don't even care anymore.
this is what ive been reduced to.

and what's new pussycat is that you were once a lioness

somedays i just don't feel pretty.
and i look at all these gorgeous happy girls with boyfriends who love them.
they've got goals, homes, children.
am i so defective no one can love me like that for more than a few months?

i always find these guys who treat me so wonderfully for a while.
and then i spend a year or two waiting for that love to come back.
i feed off memories of a person long gone.
i replay scenes and dialogue we will never have again.
i hold on to those few great moments and say
"this will pass, it will come back."
i try to love enough to make up for your lacking.
and it never does.


what if it never does?

maybe i am just that much more attractive and lovable when i am single.
i'm beautiful and carefree and i laugh
i do things for ME
i appear stronger.



but if anyone knew anything,
they would know standing by someone's side
takes far more strength than standing alone,
because often, in my experience,
you've got to help hold that other person up.


that's the beauty of love;;
pushing and pulling
give and take
it's all action and reaction.
filling in hollows
smoothing out peaks
it's only hard when you make it that way.

open your eyes.

i miss human touch
more specifically yours.
i would never admit that to you.
i miss feeling you crawl into bed, throwing your leg over me and wrapping your arms around me.
like i was the filling to some awesome love burrito.

i am becoming jaded and bitter and
that makes me very sad.
i feel like if something doesnt change soon my heart will shrivel and die.
all the good things in me will go with it.
i dont want to be an angry person.

i want to be sunlight and love.
i want to wake up to a warm body and embraces.
i want secrets and adventures.
i want dreaded goodbyes and anticipated hello's.
i want to hear "get here."
i want to hear "i love you."
i want growth, and dreams.

i want you to love me again.
and its something i have absolutely no control over.
i'm trying really hard not to give up on you.

i'm getting so tired of it all.
i'm tired of giving and giving and wanting and wanting
and never getting anything back.
i'm tired of being treated like shit simply because i won't put up a fight.
you do realize what an asshole that makes you, right?
treating someone badly because they put up with it?
just because i won't fight back does not make it okay,
or justify your deplorable behavior.

not that you would even stop a second to consider me, my feelings, or that fact that i have heart you promised never to break again. (i knew that was a lie the second it left your lips and wished i could shove the words back behind your teeth.)
oh no,
you're too busy chasing ghosts of not so great things (from what i've heard) that are long dead.
would you love me if i treated you like shit?
made you feel bad about yourself?
yelled at you?
i'm sorry i wont do that.
i won't feed into your masochistic tendencies.
go find someone else to abuse you.



is it so hard to love me?
is it so easy to not care about me?
evidently so.
you make it a point to wake up everyday and tell me that you don't care about me.
why do i put up with this shit?
i don't like pain.
i just love you,
and i hate giving up on people.

my skull is pounding.
theres a giant steam locomotive inside,
going round and round at neck breaking speeds
ready to careen off the track at any given minute.

there are currents in my limbs and i feel
that if i don't do something soon i will rot.


my friends have jobs, children, school, boyfriends, husbands, best friends.
they've got fucking goals and ambition.
i've got a car i don't even own, a chihuahua that doesn't even live with me, and my family.
i'm being left behind.

i need to run somewhere fast.
i need to scream until my lungs are pounding and my vision blurs and i don't think i make any more noise.

it's all bones, flesh, and droning on and on.
i'm so tired of jogging in place.


i need some wind in my sails.

i don't know.
i guess it's sort of like that sometimes.

i sat in a dark theater, watched a movie alone.
and i laughed.
i laughed and realized i'm completely fine finding joy in things, with or without someone by my side.

today has been more down than the past week,
but i'm not going to let that get to me.
EVEN KEEL!

i feel like freedom and magic and beauty a lot of times.

i realized i take care of everyone i encounter, because i want to make people feel better.
i like to think that someday someone will do that for me.
i can take care of myself,
it would just be nice for someone to step in and take some weight off now and again.
someone to look at me and say HEY I CARE AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL EVEN WHEN YOU'RE ALL SWEATY AND ANGRY!
but time marches on, no one does,
so i wake up each day, look in the mirror and say
"you are beautiful. you are strong. you are worth all the love in the world."


maybe, deep down, i am just meant to be a martyr.
i'll love myself every step of the way.
and i will love you enough for the both of us.

it's all dirty fingernails and two sleeping pills every night.
weird dreams and groggy mornings.

i like this most of all,
because i'm writing for no one.
i'm writing for me and me and me and sometimes you, only not really.

thunder and golden days will come again.
something in the fabric of my soul tells me this.
it says
"hold on darling, just a little while, just a little while longer."

i want to sing.

someday my prince will come...

i'm leaving soon.
i can feel it in my bones.
i cannot muster any sadness
only stare forward.
sometimes things happen to me in life and i think
"what did i do to deserve this?"
i realized a long time ago that you have no control over the actions of others.

i guess i am just growing weary of running around,
of holding onto something i cannot call my own.

i know i will do more than my share of crying for the both of us.
i highly doubt you will feel any remorse.
you have all your fair weather friends to get you through.

no point in anticipation or mourning that which hasn't come to fruition yet.
i will have plenty of lonely nights to hug myself and cry with the shadows.


i must compliment you though,
everyday you get better and better at insulting me.
you sharpen the knife right, and know just where to stick it.


i hold out in hopes one day a loving man will come along, who wants to build me up, not tear me down. and above all else, i hope that i know what to do with him.
i don't think you are that man.

last night i fell asleep crying and woke up dreaming.
the beginning of the film brought back memories.
happy memories that made me mourn the state of it all.

i distinctly remember seeing fireworks on the inside of my eyelids as we kissed.
in the background bowie wondered aloud about the possibility of beings on the red planet.
at the time it all seemed so climactic and perfect.
you still genuinely cared.
the night was full of embraces, whispers...
i couldn't recall ever feeling so loved and safe.


i am sure you haven't thought of those sorts of things since they happened.
i am a time filler for you.
entertainment while treading water.
and i am pathetic.
still loving you.
craving an embrace or a genuine kiss.
standing by your side
braving insults and rejection,
all in hopes you will come to your senses before i do.
i still see a diamond in this pile of dust and bones.

i'll hold on until i can't anymore.
i wish i could tell you i love you.
i wish we could talk.
it may always be a story of me loving you and you loving her.
we always love those who hurt us the most, i guess.

and i thought i was bad news and would end up hurting you.
funny the way things turn out.

i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.

sometimes i get an overwhelming feeling to move.
i go on walks.
something primal tells me if my legs stop moving, my brain and heart will cease to function.
i will simply quit breathing and evaporate.

lately i have a horrible fear of fading away into anonymity.
100 years from now, no one will know my name.

i walk in puddles, to look back and see footsteps.
just to know for at least one minute, i left my mark somewhere, on something.

after all that has happened, i am just a girl, a child.
afraid of shadows, uncomfortable in the light.
i feel like an alien.
i hear people laughing and talking, everywhere.
i feel disconnected from it all, from the world.


i walk past families, houses lit up, lawns littered with toys, people talking in garages
and i feel ten thousand miles away.
i look up at the night sky,
and i swear i see movement
a hint of the cosmos collapsing.

small figures in a vast expanse.


this all sounds so much better inside my head.

decisions, decisions

as of right now,
i am still completely undecided
as to why i made this blog,
or even what i have to discuss.
it will come to me eventually, i'm sure.